One of the greatest books in the world (in my humble opinion) that describes human nature is C.S. Lewis' 'The Great Divorce'.  It is a fictional/fantasy story written by Lewis (Best known for his Chronicles of Narnia) about a busload of people from Hell driving to Heaven for a vacation.  the book does not mean to claim that people in hell are allowed vacations or anything like that... it's purpose was to show that quite often, the  gates of hell are locked on the INSIDE and as much as heaven wants the people of hell to join them in eternal joy, hell is too stubborn or prideful to accept the invitation, because accepting that love would mean doing so on someone else's terms. I mention this book because it brings up the greatest example of pity.  As our main character was wandering around heaven (or the valley of it so to speak) he came across several other people of hell interacting with people from heaven.  One such person was a squat grotesque gnome type person leading a tragedian around by a chain around his neck.  The tragedian had a pale spidery face, a black suit, and a black stovepipe hat, he fit his role well.  The 'gnome' had a wife who had died and ended up in heaven.  In this land  she was transformed into a beautiful maiden who was surrounded by animals and children who played and danced and sang around her.  In life she had been so joyful that every child she met became one of her children, every animal became one of her pets because every creature she ever encountered had become part of her love.  She was joyous and beautiful. Upon meeting her husband, she  walked up to the disgusting gnome and kissed him, begging forgiveness.  The gnome spoke very little, allowing his melodramatic puppet to speak for him instead.  He claimed to have forgiven her... and then asked her... "Did you miss me?" Having spent the time in paradise, she did not miss her husband.  She had spent the time in eternal joy.  She still loved her husband dearly, but she also was in love with everything.  Sadness could not touch her.  She attempted to explain this to the gnome, who responded in shock. The gnome began to start using his tools to try and get an emotional reaction from his wife, telling her about how much he sacrificed for her (mostly petty things like giving her the last postage stamp to write a letter when he wanted to write one as well... but made the sacrifice because he loved her). And how it nearly killed him when she 'died in his arms' (she had in fact died in a very nice nursing home).  The wife replied by asking him to stay with her and learn the love she felt and pleading him to stop his behavior, to let go of his chain, send away his puppet, and stay with her. Around this time, the gnome began shrinking... and the tragedian was the only figure that spoke from this point onwards.  Oblivious to what was happening, the gnome asked (through his tragedian) what it was he was supposed to stop. "Stop using pity, other people's pity to get what you want." was the reply.  She talked about how when he was a child and didn't get what he wanted he'd go and sulk by himself until one of his family members felt sorry for him and gave in.  It was how the gnome had lived his entire life, using manipulation games to get things out of people, even his wife. The conversation did not have a happy ending.  As much as the wife pleaded, the gnome would have none of it.  He continued to try to make his wife feel sorry for him, to get her to fold and crumple like he had done so many times on earth.  she wouldn't, as she was now incapable of doing so.  Eventually the gnome shrunk out of sight, and the tragedian swallowed the chain.  The maiden continued on her way as the man that was once her husband was gone, while the tragedian returns to hell, his humanity now fully gone. This is a horribly inaccurate account of what happened, I'm sure.  But it's how I remember the scene.  Now let me tell you why it meant so much to me... About four years ago I though myself a counselor.  I'd let people vent at me and offer my advice in return.  And in the end after nearly being torn to shreds by these people  I finally came to realize something.  Most of my friends were good people, but they had to compete with other friends for my attention... unless they came to me with their pity.  How could you heartlessly walk away from someone asking for your help afterall? Because I thought I was doing the right thing, I nursed a bunch of vampires who didn't want my help... they just wanted me to pat  their heads and tell them how nothing was their fault and how the whole world was against them.  I was a crutch and a host for a bunch of parasites.  It literally sucked away any energy I had to do anything else. I eventually learned how to tell the real from the fake by one simple thing.  People that really wanted my help listened to my advice, people that just wanted reassurance or pity had excuses for everything. You see... if the gnome in The Great Divorce truly had loved his wife, he would have understood her joy.  He would have been happy that she had been buoyed up by so much love and so incapable of feeling anything but joy... but instead tried to drag her down by hoping that she was miserable without him.  Read that carefully... HE HOPED THAT SHE WOULD BE MISERABLE WITHOUT HIM -- because if she was, it would have given him a certain feeling of importance.  Who cares if she was miserable or happy... as long as she was happy on HIS terms, and miserable on HIS terms.  If joy would not fold on his terms, he wanted nothing of it. Pity is nothing more than a pathetic attempt to hold someone's attentions hostage.  It is nothing more than a  gun people hold to their heads to try to get people to flock around them and plead with them to remove it.  Pity is a way of holding joy hostage as a means of getting it on one's own terms.  It is my humble opinion that people who play 'poor me' games deserve to be dragged out into the streets and beaten thoroughly.  I have no tolerance for such behavior after seeing friend after friend fall victim to some selfish attention monger. Not to say that anyone who has anything negative to say should keep their mouths shut.  but you need to LISTEN to yourself.  Do you help as much as you ask for help?  Do you share your joy with others just as much as you share your pain? So what can be done?  Hard to say.  This is more of a gripe than an essay (this section is called 'rants' afterall!)... but the first thing I'd do is to listen to people who complain about their problems to you.  When you offer advice, do they listen or do you hear a lot of "Yes, but...", or worse... does your subject seem to get more angry the more helpful you become?  the signs aren't too hard to  notice.  If the subject refuses all your advice, at that point you need to say, "Well, I obviously can't help you... new subject time".  If they continue to whine, leave.  If they're doing this behavior to get attention then you need to show them that it won't work.  The more you give in, the more will be taken from you.  Your subject may get hostile, they may  even accuse you of not caring for them anymore -- but you WILL be helping them. If you ARE the subject... stop.  Stop now.  Part of being an adult is dealing with your problems and not dragging the people who care about you down constantly.  If you take more than you give... stop.  You're causing more damage than the supposed wrongs you're complaining against. Genesis Whitmore 04-99 (Footnote, You can purchase the Great Divorce from Amazon.com by clicking here.  In my opinion it is a book everyone should read at least once in their lives.) Click here to go back